Thursday 13 December 2007

A RANT DOWN THE RAVE

This month: Well, everything.

Yes, it’s that time of year again: Christmas is upon us and before you know it, you’ll be waking up in a pool of your own vomit and wondering what exactly you were doing when 2008 decided to rear its inevitably ugly head. But, before then, you’ll be enjoying the annual festivities, drinking great loads of goodness-knows-what and doing many vulgar things that you would never have done were it not for ghastly old tradition deeming it appropriate. Like eating Christmas pudding, for one thing. Let us now take a look at some of the staples of festive tradition and take a moment to wonder what, how, when, where and, most importantly, why the fuck….

TURKEY

As you may or may not know, I happen to be a vegetarian, so any meat-munching of any kind (hur hur hur) gets automatically frowned upon. But regardless of this, some people just refuse to be told. They can’t keep their gnashers out of that pork. So why is it then, that even though most of them profess a distaste for turkey, that they go ahead and ‘festively slice’ it anyway? Because it’s Christmas, that’s why. It’s about giving, receiving and killing animals nobody wants to eat anyway.

THE RETAIL INDUSTRY

Of course, Christmas is a time where bulbous bastards in high-flying jobs get to stuff their pockets and go on expensive skiing holidays. Skiing holidays? Why can’t you just make do with a fucking dinner and a bottle of booze like the rest of us? Anyway, these people are able to stuff their pockets because the companies they run start advertising Crimbo’s loving commercial side from the moment the kids go back to school, thus preparing the ensuing rush to buy absolutely anything anywhere (and at any price.) And if rinsing people of their hard-earned ain’t enough, then the knockout punchline is saved until after Christmas; that’s right, the faithful January sales. Where people go and squander their meagre gift vouchers on shit they don’t want for an insignificantly sliced price.

CHRISTMAS SONGS

Musically, Christmas should solely be a time for John Lennon’s earnest plea for war to be over, or for reminiscing about what a fabulous hairstyle George Michael had as he lamented the fact that someone nabbed his heart as he was putting up the tree the previous year. But, instead, every single year we are forced to endure hearing all of the old ‘classics.’ Who can forget Cliff thinking about children (singing Chris-ti-an rhyme) or Paul ‘n’ Linda simply having a wonderful Christmas time (certainly not Paul this year) or Noddy ‘Bonkers’ Holder loudly letting you know that ‘it’s Chriiiiistmas!’? No one can, that’s for sure. But who would like to? I certainly would, that’s for sure.

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

Who honestly gives a toss what the old bag’s got to say this year? Why is it alright for her to get her own TV show on the one day of the year when absolutely everybody will be indoors when no one else does? In fact, does any fucker even bother watching it???

THE FORCED CHEERINESS OF IT ALL

I spend the other 364 days of the year being happily quite miserable, so why should the 25th of December be any different?

TOP FIVE *BEST* MOMENTS IN XMAS HISTORY:
That one time in everybody’s lifetimes when it did actually fucking snow.
Den giving Angie the divorce papers.
Pet Shop Boys making Xmas Number One with a song that wasn’t actually some festive-orientated shit.
That moment when they realised that absolutely nobody in the history of the world has ever found a joke from a cracker remotely funny and therefore decided to make them more and more heroically unfunny with each passing year.
That moment when you wake up on Christmas morning and get all excited when you realise that it’s the one day of the year when you can get half-cut by 11 without anyone flashing you a single frown.

‘APPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!

Old bastard.

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